So I haven’t written in a bit. Oops. I’ve been fairly busy writing (but not what I should be writing… >_<), trying to find Mo a new school (more on that later), trying to tie things up with xxxx once and for all (not more on that later) and trying to figure out Isabella.

Hopefully, someone will actually make a decision about *something* soon. I think decision-making is a skill that we desperately need to teach our children, because it certainly doesn’t seem to come naturally to most people. I’ve worked harder than I ever have before over the past year spewing out ideas and every single one of them travels along for a bit, things look promising and then it comes up against someone’s indecision. It’s so frustrating! I can understand a ‘no’, I can understand a ‘yes’, I can understand ‘You know, I need you to explain it to me some more’… But complete indecision? Don’t get it.

So 10 days ago there was an emergency meeting at Moki’s school where we found out that 25% of students are leaving and the school has to close… Fun. Of course, I stopped looking at schools about 3 years ago and wasn’t expecting to be trawling around again for at least another few years, so I’ve been going through Ofsted reports and the Good Schools Guide and phoning places up with my best Grace Kelly accent. There are only two private school that I’ve found in my general area that have places. One, I’ve heard, has lost a bunch of students as well (all the dad’s from the City are getting laid off) and the other has a couple places (I’m first on the list). And as far as state schools go… well, if I suddenly decide that my son’s education and future generally don’t matter then I’m sure I can get him into the sucky primary school next door… but the decent ones are full-up.

If I seem a little tense then forgive me… I don’t think one single thing in the past 3 years has been smooth for me and right now seems to be when everything’s decided to ‘happen’ at once. If I was any less of a tough cookie, I’d be a total wreck! Instead I just plough on…ladida *^_^*

So this Isabella thing has been making me think about a lot of things – Belief. Honesty… the Internet, of course. :) Belief: I’ve writing and thinking about it a lot recently, noticing what I believe and what I don’t. I’ve finally decided it’s far healthier to not believe in anything except yourself and honesty. I guess I believe in the truth. And the only person I can be certain isn’t lying to me is… me.

I’ve always been a bit too honest for most people. Looking back on it I think my biggest problems come from being afraid to be honest. I’ve never set out to deceive anyone, though I *have* lied to people. Without exception those lies have been because I knew that the people involved would not want to hear the truth – they wouldn’t want to hear that I didn’t like their haircut or I didn’t like their painting/song/script/programme/other creative project or I didn’t like the food they cooked or I didn’t actually like/love them anymore or I *did* like/love someone other than them.

My deepest, strongest urge is to simply say what I think at all times… but obviously I can’t do that. So I’ve got to waste all this time tiptoeing around, beating around the bush and massaging egos until I end up finally able to say what I actually want to say… People think they want others to be truthful and honest. They don’t really. People only want to hear good things…

And I loathe it when people lie to me. All I want is honesty. Tell me you don’t like my haircut and I will ask you why, tell me you don’t like my \creative project/ and I will ask you why, tell me you don’t like/love me and I will ask you why… we can actually have a conversation about it. I’m not saying I won’t get angry or upset, but at the end of it we’d at least have been honest with one another. And that to me is the most important thing in the world.

And that is why I am completely and utterly in love with Brian. He’s honest and loves my honesty. I may even actually marry him some day… *^_^*

NOTE: I’ve kept most of my early blog posts private.